Thought...

Without realizing what have i done for the pass weeks is already October 2008. 29th days from now will be my convocation and then off back to Malaysia i go. For the past few weeks since i arrived in Melbourne I've been thinking a lot. Other than, going shopping or hang out in the city. I've think of so many areas in my life. From career to personal life to what I've done and going to do. There is so many "want" that u want. But all this things are to satisfy myself. I've been thinking I'm so bless, I know Christ and faithfully still walking with HIM. What if I don't know HIM. Will i still be today me? Will i still go through what I've go through? But I'm sure he makes me a better person today. Without HIM loving me and always there to encourage me. I'm sure I'm not the person I am today. I've been so blessed. Having everything that provided for me, sometime I take it for granted. I've been praying for direction for a very long time ever since before I finish my last semester in University. I am uncertain with what I want in life. I'm still confused till today on my future. Will I be successful? I want to be someone He can use. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to pray prayer all about me. I want to bless other as how he has blessed me and still blessing me!!!

I've read a book and it remind me of the pass operations that I went through few years back and the recent 1 was a month before I come to Perth. I've realize how short and dangerous life can be. The 1st operation was just a minor when I was 12, no impact in my life. The 2nd operation is where it starts to change my life. It was a leg operational and it happen when I was 17. After that operation, I visited the hospital so often and now I have the fear going there. I thought that was all that I need to go through and I’m going to be healthy.

After a few years, in the year 2005 I almost die. That day, I was waked up by a very sharp in my stomach. I thought was normal stomach ache but it wasn’t. I can’t even stand up to open the door. It was so pain that I don’t know how to explain. I know something was not right. I grab my phone beside me and call my housemate. Thanks God she was still at home. I remember she have to break the door to get into my room as I’ve lock the door. She was panic when she saw my condition. I ask her to call a friend of mine that has a car. I say I need to get to the hospital. Then after calling my friend she calls the college. The next min that I know of, there is a few person in my room. They were figuring out what to do. Finally they decided to send me to the hospital cause by waiting for the ambulance to come I think I die it also haven arrived. Thank God for my dad who working in the Health Ministry he manage to get the people in the hospital to get ready for my arrival. They took my blood and did a few checks and they can find what the cause is. By that time I’ve past out a few time by the pain. Finally the push me into the scanning room and did a few scan, they found out there is a growth in me and it burse and it is very messy and is life threatening. Doctor called my parent and they talk to them on the phone. My parent is back in my hometown and I’m all alone in KL. I was in no peace at that time. I don’t want to die so young, there is so many things I haven do. While they were discussing what best for me, the doctor in HKL has already got the operation theater ready. But my dad insists me flying back to Kuantan and gets the operation done there. The doctor advises not to do so because I may not make it. There is where I remember church elders and pastors who are there for me. They bought the flight ticket for me and then send me to the airport. I can’t remember what happen in between cause I pass out so many times. Imagine the pain killer didn’t help at all. I took the next flight off back to Kuantan. I was vomiting the whole 30 min journey. The moment I touch down. I was send by an ambulance to Kuantan General Hospital. The prepare me and then I was push into the operation theater. The operation took 2hrs and by the time I was awake was already pass mid night. I was in hospital for the whole week after discharge I was at home for 3 months. Even I was hospitalize and absent from class, I still seat for my final exam and by God grace I still pass all papers.

After that incident I told myself I don’t want to step into the hospital and I don’t want any more experience like this. Once is enough. Not unit June 1, 2007. A month before I come to Perth and 2 days before my childhood friend’s wedding. Again I experience the pain. I say that not going to happen again and I’m thought going to die this time. I’ve go for my check up frequently and as I know I’m doing well. That morning I was supposed to bring my mom and sis for shopping and my dad was in work. I told my mom I’m having this pain so badly and is a similar pain I have. I took 4 panadol and the pain is still there. My mom was panic and immediately she called my dad. My dad asks me if I can drive to his office and from there he will send me to the hospital. At that time he was having meeting with the director of Serdang Hospital. So the director called his doctor and emergency unit and asks them to get ready for me. With the pain I drive for 30 min to my dad office and then pass out after that. I was admitted again but this time is because of appendices. I was asking the doctor is there any way I don’t go through an operation. I’m so scared to hear the word operation. Again no choice I go through the operation and insist to be discharge the next day. Just imagine doctor try to avoid coming into my ward as I’ve been asking for discharge the moment I open my eyes. I want a discharge cause I can’t stand staying any longer in the hospital and I don’t want to miss my friend’s wedding. I go to the wedding in my wheel chair. A month later I fly to Perth as schedule.

Life can be so challenging and what I learn from all is we must appreciate every moment we have and live in meaningfully. It’s going to be tough but I know with God everything is possible. I also learn that he will not let me go because he loves me so much. I learn a lot from the process of healing. This is my 1^st time writing it out so clearly as I haven share with anyone because I scared people will see me as not perfect. I hope this could bless who ever that read it.